Well. They Made Breakfast Pizza Rolls and I Begrudgingly Liked Them

A Surprisingly Positive Review of Totino’s New Breakfast Bites

I audibly gasped when I saw that Totino’s had released a line of Breakfast Pizza Rolls. 

I had been wandering the freezer aisles of Jewel-Osco for hours (3 and a half minutes), in search of the elusive Travis Kelce’s Kitchen Sliced Brisket, a frozen meal that I’m not entirely convinced actually exists. 

(There’s a joke in here somewhere juxtaposing this mysterious frozen meal line and his relationship with Taylor, but I both love and fear too many Swifties to make it, so instead I’ll just say this: I hope this always goes well for them and they never break up and everything is good forever. ❤️)

See, much like haircut reveal videos on TikTok, these posts are so much more fun when the frozen meal I try is just kind of bad. And, sweet reader, what could be worse than a BREAKFAST PIZZA ROLL? 

If you look closely, you’ll see these contain both “pork sausage” AND “Meatless crumbles”

We would have had so much fun! I would have written something about how it tasted like Denny’s released a line of nuclear sludge! I’d maybe have added in a chill 750 words about how it smelled like a New York alleyway (if they had those)! And - just spitballing here - maybe there would have been some sort of small, tasteful parade celebrating my commitment to the frozen meal world! 

Gosh, we would have had such a good time. 

But, unfortunately, those good times will never come because - and please know how deeply regretful I am writing these next 8 words -  

These breakfast pizza rolls were actually pretty good.  

Let’s dive in, I guess. 

Taste: ⅘ 

I’m going to get vulnerable for a second - I’m not usually a breakfast food fan. 

But even me - the person who has an iPhone note dedicated to reasons why I can’t come to brunch (my cat’s mad at me. all my teeth hurt. “the bus!!!!!!!!!!”) - even I can admit that an Egg McMuffin absolutely slaps.  

And apparently Dr. Totino’s agrees, because these Breakfast Pizza Rolls taste exactly the same. 

They’re a little too sweet. A little too salty. A little bit like all of the ingredients at once, but also like none of the ingredients at all. 

That is to say - these rule. I’d eat the whole bag in a day. 

In fact, they taste so similar to a McMuffin, that we gotta assume that one of the McDonald’s characters sold Dr. Totino the secret recipe, in an act of Mass Food Retailer Corporate Espionage. 

Don’t worry, I’ve summed up the suspects below. 

• SUSPECT #1: Ronald McDonald - I don’t think it was Ronald. He’s spent a long time as the King of McCastle over there and I think that the recent rise of the McDonalds Celebrity Meals - Travis Scott, BTS, Saweetie - has probably made him nervous. (As it should, I bet Corporate’s just looking for a reason to push him out and make Jojo Siwa the face of the brand.) It’s not that I think Ronald is totally innocent, it’s just that I think his crimes are more like “skeezy messages on the All Company Slack Channel” and less “Corporate Espionage.” 

• SUSPECT #2: Birdie -  It’s not Birdie. It’s just not. Do you know how hard it is for a woman to climb the corporate ladder? She’s not going to throw it all away like that. Look, I’ve seen Succession, and Birdie is kind of the Gerri of McDonalds, if Gerri was also a bird who is also passionate about aviation. She works hard. She keeps her head down. She has a text flirtation with the most handsome of the CEO’s sons, but that isn’t - AND SHOULD NEVER BE - a crime. Birdie is innocent and we all need to leave her alone - it’s hard enough out there for a female bird pilot. 

• SUSPECT #3: Mayor McCheese -  No. In fact, Mayor McCheese hasn’t been seen since 2001, and it’s about time we started asking some tough questions about that. 

• SUSPECT #4: The Hamburglar - Look, I get why you’d think The Hamburglar would be the one committing Corporate Espionage. He has all the trademarks of someone who would - a sordid past, a suspicious-looking hat, a name that has “Burglar” right there in the title. On paper, he makes sense, and you’re not alone in thinking that. But ultimately, he’s mostly focused on stealing hamburgers. Petty theft. Plus, I don’t think McDonalds Corporate would put itself in the position of giving him access to the top secret computer files. I think he comes in, does the commercials and is escorted right back outside. McDonald’s likes profiting off of his Bad Boy, Rock & Roll, Devil May Care image, but they’re not giving him any brand secrets. That being said - I do think he’d help the actual thief. He’s easy to bribe.  

• SUSPECT #5: Grimace - Which brings me to our last suspect. I think it could be Grimace. I think it probably is Grimace. I think the whole “dumb purple taste bud” thing is a ruse and Grimace - sick and tired of being put in a box - sent Totino’s the recipe in a brief moment of frustration. But I do think he feels really guilty about it, and I think Grimace will spend the rest of his life looking over his shoulder. I think every time an email comes in, every time someone approaches his cubicle at McDonalds HQ, every time his phone rings with an unknown number, he’ll think he’s caught. It doesn’t matter if Grimace actually ever pays for his crime - because he’s already in a prison of his own making. 

Appearance: 4/5 

They look just like like pizza rolls. That is to say - they look perfect. We should all get matching tattoos! Right now!!!! Let’s go!!!!!!! C’mon!!!!!!!!

Overall: ⅘

These were actually pretty good. 

*Cue up the last song from ‘The Breakfast Club’ while you read this.*

I guess life’s funny that way, huh? We spend years - no, decades - thinking we truly know ourselves. Believing that we know our own dreams, our own thoughts, our own tastes, our own pre-set opinions on Breakfast Pizza Rolls. 

But then we go and surprise ourselves. 

Really makes you think. 

Anyway, I’d eat these again. 

THINGS I LIKED THIS WEEK 

• I’m still chugging my way through Entourage, like it’s my destiny that I begrudgingly must fulfill. 

• I’m late to the game on this, but How To Do Nothing by Jenny Odell is changing my life. (I keep taking reading breaks to check Instagram though.) 

• This stupid little knot untying game is consuming my every thought. There’s a 300% chance its stealing my data to sell to an enemy government. It’s worth it. 

• I co-wrote a book! It comes out November 19 but you can pre-order it now! Thank you!!!