They're Making Frozen Meals Based Off TV Shows Now, I Guess

Yellowstone, Costner-heads and how all the teens can't get enough of Hamburger Helper.

I am writing today with good - no, with GREAT - news, especially for those who are frankly sick and tired of frozen meals that aren’t directly inspired by one-time AARP Movies for Grownups Award nominated television shows.

All of my Costner-heads rise up because…….

Paramount’s hit television show Yellowstone has released a line of frozen meals for some reason!!!!

First, let me just say, as someone who is a fan of stunt marketing, frozen pasta bakes and television shows that I’ve never actually seen, this is really exciting for me.

Much like history’s greatest literary detectives (Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in 1994), I’ve studied the box, collected the clues and I think I’ve figured a couple of things out:

1. The name of this dish is “Rip’s Ranch Hand Beef and Cheese Pasta Bake” which probably means this specific dish is central to the program. I’m assuming that the show centers around Rip and his beloved Ranch Hands, who open an American-Italian Fusion Bistro to mixed reviews and - with a lot of work, a ton of elbow grease and a little good ol’ fashioned “horsey magic” - win a coveted cooking award??? Do not correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t want to know!

2. That’s all I’ve figured out. (I’ve been busy with other stuff.)

Anyway, let’s dive in.

YELLOWSTONE RIP’S RANCH HAND BEEF AND CHEESE PASTA BAKE

TASTE: 3.5/5

Look, it’s pretty good. I don’t know! I’m sorry! It’s good! It’s cheesy! I’ve eaten literal garbage for this newsletter, so the bar is pretty low! If you like beef and cheese and pasta, you’ll probably like this one at least a little!

I am, however, deducting a full point because, for the first time in frozen meal history, this dish was served with a vague threat.

On the back of the box is a quote attributed to Rip, which says:

“Ride Like It’s Your Last Time. Cuz One Day You’ll Be Right.”

First off, yikes.

I mean, from a basic business perspective, I’m not sure it benefits FoodStory Brands, LLC (the maker of this product) to remind me, a person shoveling watery pasta into my mouth while standing over the sink watching a YouTube video where a movie star pretends to show us around her home despite it seeming like she’s never been in that building before, that I could be asking for more out of life.

Instead, they should be a little less inspirational, something that makes me comfortable settling for this frozen meal instead of, I don’t know, real food. Maybe something like “YOU GOTTA EAT SOMETHING. THIS IS AS GOOD AS ANYTHING ELSE, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.” or “NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE GREAT. MEDIOCRE IS ALSO OKAY.”

Second, the quote is positioned menacingly above a nutrition facts bar which includes cute phrases like “85% Saturated Fat” and “1290 mg Sodium.”

This quote isn’t meant to encourage so much as it’s there to warn us about the product in our hands.

Rip is coming for us all.

APPEARANCE: ⅘

You know how teens are ALWAYS talking about Hamburger Helper? How cool it is, how beautiful the meal is, how “fresh” and “neato” the scary little anthropomorphic glove holding a wooden spoon that serves as their mascot is?

And the teens - when they’re replying to an extra cool TikTok video - they’ll comment “VERY HH (Hamburger Helper)” or “So cool - not as cool as Hamburger Helper, but so cool nonetheless!”???

Well, teens are going to love this because it basically just looks like Hamburger Helper for fake television cowboys.

OVERALL - ⅘

This was fine! Not notable, but also not going to give me night terrors in the same way that any of the fish-based frozen meals have.

But the bigger thing here is - the fact that a TV show can inspire a line of frozen meals opens up an entirely new world of possibilities for me. I feel like Dorothy when she stepped out of her sad, sepia-tinged Kansas farmhouse and into brightly-colored Oz, or like a terrifying popular middle schooler who just found out about Brandy Melville. My entire life has changed. The opportunities are endless. I am rabid for more frozen meal/TV collaborations. A few suggestions:

• SUCCESSION PRESENTS Logan Roy’s F**ck Off Chicken F***cking Alfredo

• TONY SOPRANO’s Microwavable Gabagool (maybe served in a pistol-shaped box??? Just spitballing here!)

• SEVERANCE’S frozen pizza (I haven’t seen Severance but I know you all like it, so honestly just including it here for clout.)

• CARRIE BRADSHAW’S loose liquid cosmopolitan in a box

Kraft Foods, call me.

THINGS I LOVED THIS WEEK

• Oh gosh, is it even a newsletter if I don’t promote my own book? Tiny Pep Talks is still out in the world and available! Maybe you’d like it! Learn more here!

• My hilarious, kind, golden-hearted friend Ryan has a new Substack and I love it. I am sure you will too! It’s called On a Planet In Space. Check it out here.

• TRAITORS SEASON 3. Please, please, please let me know if you’re watching. This show - and Tom Sandoval’s facial expressions - are all I think about.

• I absolutely loved Margo’s Got Money Troubles by Rufi Thorpe and I cried - cried! - when it was over. Thank you Sierra and Becca for the recommendation!

• YOU!!! Thank you so much for the love and the grace and the kind words as I took a step back from the newsletter for a beat as I focused on book release stuff and other projects and just being a person! I’m here and I’m back and I missed you!