Guy Fieri's Sloppy Joe Mac & Cheese: A Review

Wishes really do come true. (And they taste pretty fine, I guess.)

Click above to listen to an audio version of this post, read by Guy Fieri himself. (Kidding. Read by me.)

In what I’m going to assume was probably 1932, Jiminy Cricket sang, “When You Wish Upon a Star.” 

Now realistically, as a cricket, Jiminy was probably wishing for something like a big bowl of “Cricket Food” (thanks, Google) or that every lizard on earth would die. 

But over the years, we’ve come to associate this song with bigger things - wishing for love, for adventure, for success or, more importantly, wishing for Guy Fieri to start a line of frozen meals called “Flavortown” which would be sold at Walmart for around $5.99 plus tax. 

Babe, I’m here to tell you that sometimes, wishes really do come true. 

Let’s Dive In. 

Taste: 3.5/5

I do regret to inform you that Guy Fieri’s line of frozen meals have kind of been universally panned. 

A few very real, actual highlights from the reviews section on Walmart’s page for the Sloppy Joe Mac & Cheese: 

• “WASTE OF MONEY!!! Just make sloppy joes and mac and cheese!” - Deric 

• “It was too spicy for me, but I managed to finish it. I don’t really know if it was good or not, because I had to drink a whole lot of milk to disguise the spiciness.” - Karen 

• “Worst experience ever.” - Master 

Besides being perhaps just a touch overdramatic - 

(cut to Karen frantically typing her review, lips on fire, water pouring from her eyes, 2% milk dribbling down her shirt, screaming at her family to call for an ambulance) 

- I do worry that these reviewers are comparing Guy Fieri’s Flavortown Sloppy Joe Mac & Cheese to real, actual food, as opposed to a frozen monstrosity with an expiration date that just reads “idk, before the sun burns out?” 

Fine! Yeah! If you went to the restaurant from Season 3 of The Bear and he served you this, you might think, “Perhaps this isn’t very good.” 

(Not me though. I couldn’t go inside because me and Carmy have drama. You know how Greenpeace activists will sometimes chain themselves to a tree that’s going to be cut down in an attempt to save it? As a proud Chicagoan, that’s what I’d do if anyone in this city threatened to close an Italian Beef stand.)

Anyway, this is PRETTY DECENT, okay?!?!?!?!. It tastes like something you’d get in your middle school lunch line. Like they put a scoop of sloppy joe and a scoop of mac & cheese on your mint green plastic tray, and you kind of stirred them together to gross out the other kids at your table. 

I respectfully disagree with Master’s above statement that it’s the “Worst Experience Ever,” unless, of course, he opened his box and instead of a plastic tray of macaroni, it was filled with a thousand bloodthirsty hornets. And even then - I don’t think that would be the worst experience ever, because I’ve been to Lollapalooza past the age of 30.  

Appearance: ⅕ 

The photo of the Sloppy Joe Mac & Cheese on the box is actually stunning. Like, the Louvre would replace the Mona Lisa with it, if we didn’t have to keep the concepts of both Guy Fieri and Microwavable Meals secret from the French. (They just couldn’t handle it.) 

The actual meal itself is…..it looks rough. 

It’s like going on a date where their Bumble picture looks like Ryan Gosling and then when you get there, they’re actually one of those scary little Quiznos Spongemonkeys from those 2000s commercials. 

Overall: 3/5

Y’all, Guy Fieri is just doing his best. 

Okay, fine, technically, this all came to fruition because of the good people at Golden West Food Group out of Vernon, California, who have partnered up with celebrity chefs - and, inexplicably, Renowned Foodie (????????) Travis Kelce (?????????????) - to produce frozen meals with their faces on the box. 

But doesn’t it feel like this product was born out of nothing but Guy Fieri’s blood, sweat and hair gel? As if Little Prince Deep Fryer himself was driving up to Walmart everyday with a 2006 Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible full of these frozen meals, earnestly asking the cashiers, “Did we sell any today, my dudes?” Like he was standing above his own oven, methodically stirring together ground up sloppy joes with a box full of mac and cheese, proud of this little business he was creating?

I hope I never learn a single true fact about Guy Fieri outside of the persona I’ve created in my head. ❤️

I’d begrudgingly eat this again. 

THINGS I LIKED THIS WEEK 

• Zapp’s VooDoo Pretzel Stix: I feel like I’m on a cleanse, but instead of green juice and celery, I’m just eating these until my stomach hurts. 

• I’ve started watching “Entourage” (???) and while I can’t really recommend it because I can’t tell if I actually like it yet, I DO have a lot of opinions on it!!! 

• Substack newsletters are honestly my favorite social media platform right now. A few of my favorites from a few sweet friends: 

  • Happy To Be Here by Layne Dixon (I laugh and I cry with every single issue) 

  • With Love From My Kitchen Table by Kaia Preus (our grandparents were best friends, isn’t that the sweetest??? Kaia is also a phenomenal writer and I can’t get enough of her newsletter!) 

  • Partygalgram by Sierra Carter (Sierra’s newsletters are always so thoughtful, fun and meaningful!)

See ya next week! Love you!