Review: Stouffer’s BBQ Pork Mac & Cheese
Stouffer’s bravely decided to test fate by mixing bbq pork and mac and cheese, and now we’re all paying the price.
I ventured out away from my microwave this week to a FANCY (all-caps) restaurant and *wow* did I learn my lesson. We’re talking “$30 for three little beef-topped tortilla chips” level of fancy. I love the idea of pushing your boundaries but, honey, this involved me eating something called LOBSTER CACAO CUSTARD and that was a boundary that should remain very much in place.
After dinner, we went back to my friend’s place and made frozen pizza. I felt like how Dorothy must have felt when she woke up back in Kansas, once again surrounded by the comforts of home. I love you, frozen food. There’s no place like home.
Anyway. Let’s Dive In (™).
Stouffer’s MacFULLs Pork Macaroni and Cheese
Some things just go together, you know?
Peanut butter and jelly. Thelma and Louise. The 2012 World Series Winning St. Louis Cardinals and MVP David Freese. (Ok, fine, I looked that one up.)
Mac and cheese with BBQ Pork is not one of those things.
But Stouffer’s bravely decided to test fate by mixing them anyway, and now we’re all paying the price. But mostly me, as I’m the one who had to eat it.
Let’s dive in.
Taste: 1/5
Scientists choose to spend their lives solving life’s greatest mysteries. Me having a frozen meal review blog is kind of the same thing. Hear me out.
Sure, maybe I’m not figuring out what lies beyond the stars or how to save the ocean. But, in a way, I’m working on even bigger questions. Like, “why does this exist?” and “if there is a god, why does she let good things (mac and cheese) happen to bad people (mushy bbq frozen pork)?”
I do not like this dish.
Appearance: 1/5
It breaks my heart to see mac and cheese ruined by the atrocity that is chunks of frozen bbq pork.
It’s like seeing the Grand Canyon filled with hot wet garbage. The Mona Lisa defaced with a mustache. A Hemsworth brother forced to wear a shirt.
(I added that one in to get some attention from the Fun Aunts of the world. HELLO, LADIES! Let’s break out the white wine and ice! Spend some Kohl’s Cash! Listen to Train’s Greatest Hits! My people!!!)
Overall: ⅕
There are 3 circumstances in which I’d eat this again:
My entire family is locked in a car and the locksmith said there’s no way he’ll free them unless I eat an entire Stouffer’s MacFULL Pork Mac and Cheese.
I’m suddenly heir to the Stouffer’s business - Willy Wonka-style - and I have to take a bite of this or else the Oompa Loompas will come for me in the night.
I’m in the final round of a game show and all that stands between me and $10 million is….one bite of this frozen meal. It would be hard, but I could probably do it.
Things I’ve liked this week!
All I do is eat frozen meals and talk about “The Other Two” and in this newsletter, I’m doing both. It’s so good! You should watch it! Then you should watch it again! Similar vibes to Difficult People (rip) which was taken off the air way too soon.
Apps - have you heard of them? Are you familiar? (I say, like I’m a time traveler from 1998.) Truly the app - we’re talking the phone kind here - that I cannot live without is Roadside America. You put in your location, and it pulls up a whole list of bizarre roadside attractions that you may otherwise miss. This thing has led me to some of my favorite places on earth - Wildlife Gardens, the Jello-O Museum, the Soul Mate Llama Walks. The list goes on. It costs a couple of bucks for full access, and it’s the best cash I’ve ever spent.
Hot take - the Kirkland Signature Sparkling Water from Costco is just as good as La Croix. Maybe better. It’s an aggressive bubble, you know?