Review: Purple Carrot Plant-Based Meatballs

The level of smugness I feel when I eat a plant-based frozen meal is truly uncalled for.

My resolution in 2022 is to eat more mediocre frozen meals.

It’s off to a good start.

Let’s Dive In (™).

Purple Carrot Plant-Based Meatball Marinara

The level of smugness I feel when I eat a plant-based frozen meal is truly uncalled for. 

It’s how I imagine a Real Housewife feels when she leaves a land-based aquatic yoga class, except instead of glistening with sweat and endorphins, I just have a shirt that’s covered in sauce stains. 

But still - that age old adage remains true. 

“You can’t tell me shit when I have a belly full of soy protein.” 

Taste: ⅘

OKAY it’s 2022 and I’ve worked up the courage to say what I’ve been feeling for years - Orzo can go to hell. 

Orzo thinks it can just occupy this land between pasta and rice. Just a girl in the city trying to have it all - the Mary Tyler Moore of carbohydrates. 

Instead, it’s the Rhoda of grains - a poorly-rated disappointment. She wasn’t ready for a starring role and we all know it!

Appearance: 5/5 

Okay the food itself looks edible which - in this tiny world of frozen meal reviews - is an automatic two thumbs up. 

But I love the compostable bowl it comes in! It makes me feel like I’m doing something for the environment, instead of just dumping fistfuls of oil directly into the town’s drinking supply like I normally do.

OVERALL: ⅘

Like most plant-based frozen meals, this one tastes like how your midwestern dad thinks all vegetarian food is - a little gummy, a little grassy and $10 more than the meat version of it. 

I’d eat it again.

Things I’ve liked this week!

• My sweet spot for true crime podcasts is “no one gets hurt but everyone learns a valuable lesson” and (at least as far as I am right now), Sweet Bobby seems to be hitting that.

• I’ve gotten into martinis lately (brag), but not in the cool “James Bond, drinking it while fighting crime and kissing hotties” way. More in the “I ask for it light on vodka and heavy on olive juice, and then sometimes it’s too strong so I have to ask for another shot of olive juice” way. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been into olive juice lately? Either way. This is great.

• And finally, some good pens.