Review: Kroger's 3 Minute Pizza
Close your eyes. Now open your eyes, and imagine how you’d expect $1 microwavable pizza to taste. Chances are you nailed it.
Well, well, WELL - it’s the very first Paula Eats newsletter! Thank you so much for subscribing and hanging out. As always, if you have compliments, feel free to share. If you have criticism, please deliver it in a way that you might to a very small, sensitive child - not one of those tough kids who climbs trees and never calls the teacher “mom”, but more like one of those children who would rather play inside because the “breeze is too aggressive today”. (A ‘Wells for Boys’ type, if you will.)
Anyway. Let’s Dive In (™).
Kroger’s 3 Minute Microwave Cheese Pizza
All mediocre pizza brands have one thing in common - mascots.
Domino’s has the Noid, a rabbit cosplaying in Britney Spears’ iconic “Oops I Did It Again” red jumpsuit. Little Caesar’s has a tiny Roman cursed by a scorned witch to only be able to utter one pleading phrase - “pizza pizza” - for all of eternity.
And now, with Kroger trotting out crappy 3-minute microwave pizza like it owns the frozen food aisle, they need one too. Personally, I’d love to see them keep it just as unrelated to pizza as the other companies. A squirrel with a British accent? Sure, why not! A giant sentient top hat? Okay, yes! My Great Uncle Curtis? Love that for them!
But while the Kroger ad department gets on that, we’ll get on eating this quote unquote pizza.
Let’s dive in.
Taste: ⅖
If you’ve got a craving for pizza but will settle for some warm garbage, then Kroger has a microwavable meal for you.
Sorry, that’s so mean of me - especially since I spent 12 years happily eating public school pizza, which was just cheese-covered cardboard paired with a tiny carton of 2% milk.
(Sidenote, did anyone else’s school force them to drink 2 cartons of milk per day, or is that just my Midwestern-ness showing?)
(Also I need you to understand - I’m not talking just in elementary school. We did this all the way up through 12th grade. Just a whole school full of kids with bones as strong as steel.)
Appearance: ⅘.
Okay, yes, this looks like mediocre microwave pizza, fine. But let’s talk about the box. You fold back the top of the box to make a little DIY pizza oven. Does it work? I don’t think so! Does it get so hot that you get 3rd degree burns touching it? Absolutely!
But it still made me feel like I was on an episode of Survivor, cooking my food in the sun and trying to form alliances with some dude with a barbed wire tattoo and 45 abs. So fun!
Overall: 2.5/5
Close your eyes. Now open your eyes, and imagine how you’d expect $1 microwavable pizza to taste. Chances are you nailed it.
I’d eat it again.
Things I’ve liked this week!
One of my sweet pals and favorite writers - Sierra Carter - has been posting a poem a day based on a different color, and I’ve been loving them. You can follow along on the PartyGram Instagram here, and also sign up for her newsletter!
You know that thing where you love a song so much that you just keep playing it on an infinite loop until you can never stand to hear it again? That’s how I’m feeling this week about Angel Eyes by ABBA.
I recently went to the National Mustard Museum (no further questions) (actually wait, yes, ask away, I love that place) and I bought, hmmmm, 3 trillion mustards. The stand-out star by FAR is the Burnt and Salty Korean Mustard. I’ve been putting it on literally everything I can get my hands on - and when I can’t find something, I have maybe just gone in with a spoon. (Brave.)