Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp: Finally
The future belongs to those who believe in the power of their dreams (and of Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp)
The concept of American Ingenuity has been around ever since George Washington stepped off the Mayflower and invented the New York Yankees.
Since then - Americans have had some great ideas (Bald Eagles! Hot Dogs! Some of the movies about Elvis Presley!), as well as some pretty rotten ones (The Electoral College! That Cabbage Patch Doll That Ate Kids’ Hair! Some of the other movies about Elvis Presley!)
But failures or successes aside - sometimes it’s worth just celebrating the fact that an idea even happened. How cool is it to put something out in the world, to give it everything you have? How amazing is it to dream, to create, to delight in the unknown of life, results be damned?! At the end of the day, maybe - just maybe - that’s what it means to be alive!!!!!!
Anyway. That’s how I feel about the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp.
Those creative bastards at Red Lobster had a dream - frozen shrimp, wrapped in the Bake At Home Cheddar Bay Biscuit Mix. Sure, the end result wasn’t exactly Cheddar Bay Biscuits! It may not have even been exactly shrimp! (See: Lobster Bisque Controversy below.) And yeah, it may have been a little wet, a little mushy, a little forgettable!
But still - the world belongs to the dreamers. The world belongs to Red Lobster Hospitality, LLC.
Let’s dive in.
Taste: 3.5/5
If you’re unfamiliar with Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay Biscuits, let me sum it up for you - they’re the greatest food to ever exist.
And at Red Lobster, our 2024 version of a Roman Bacchanalia, they bring them to you for free! Basket after basket! Presented to you warm and wrapped up in a cloth napkin, as you feast on endless shrimp for just $25! There’s a reason why Red Lobster was the place of every major family celebration for my entire Midwestern upbringing - because it’s the best restaurant of them all.
So it doesn’t bring me any joy to say this - these Cheddar Bay Biscuit Shrimp are fine. They’re fine! They’re not bad, they’re not amazing, they’re just totally okay!
(Using vivid descriptions like “this was fine” and “these tasted okay” are exactly why the folks at Michelin are absolutely obsessed with trying to get me to come on board as their one and only food critic! They keep saying I “make the food come alive” and that I make them “feel the flavors in their body.” But I’m just too dedicated to this weekly newsletter to take on another gig right now!)
Appearance: ⅘
These look like Cheddar Bay Biscuit-covered shrimp. I don’t know what else to say here. Sure, they’re a little more gray than they looked on the box (why is frozen food alway so gray?) But overall - good job, Red Lobster. You nailed this one.
Overall: 4/5
When I stumbled upon these in the wrong freezer at my Mariano’s, it felt like a gift from the universe. I kid you not, “Mine” by Taylor Swift started playing the moment I picked them up. Were these Red Lobster Frozen Cheddar Bay Biscuit-Covered Shrimp going to be the… “best thing that’s ever been mine?”
Answer: they weren’t.
These are deliciously bland, a cheap imitation of what would probably taste absolutely amazing when it was cooked in a restaurant’s perennially uncleaned fryer. I’d say that they’d be better doused in butter but, babe, I’d eat my living room couch if it was doused in butter.
That being said, they’re good. I’d buy these for an acquaintance as a fun housewarming gift. I’m happy they exist.
Dream on, Red Lobster. Dream on.
THINGS I LIKED THIS WEEK
My wonderful friend Dylan Doetch is also the mastermind behind Deathlove, my favorite musical artist. (Very convenient for me, tbh.) He’s recently released a new song called “Fine Lines” and I’ve been playing it non-stop ever since.
TRAITORS SEASON 2, C’MON!!!!!!!!! It’s the only thing I think about, talk about, dream about. (I can’t link to it because they declared a winner last night and I’m not caught up, so I’m scared to Google it. But it’s on Peacock! You’d love it, probably!)
LOVE!!!!
SHRIMP!!