Please Don't Be Mad But I Tried Skyline Chili Spaghetti

A Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Newsletter

One thing I know about Cincinnati -  they’re, like, really proud of their Famous Skyline Chili Spaghetti, a…creative dish where the chili is cooked with cinnamon and cloves then plopped up on top of hot spaghetti. 

And one thing I know about me is that I never, ever want anyone to be even a little bit mad at me. 

So I’ve written two versions of this week’s review - one for people from Cincinnati, and one for the rest of us. 

Please read accordingly.

Proceed to NEWSLETTER A if you’re from Cincinnati or the Surrounding Area 

Proceed to NEWSLETTER B if you’re from anywhere else

NEWSLETTER A: You’re from Cincinnati or the Surrounding Area

Wowie zowie! This freezer aisle Skyline Chili Spaghetti has it all. Chili! Spaghetti! Microwavableness! I get why Cincinnati loves it so much!

To say this is the best food of all time would be an understatement. I wish I could install a Coke Freestyle Machine in my house, but instead of 1000 flavors of Fanta, every button would just squirt out spaghetti topped with piping hot chili. Yum! 

Some people may say that putting the spices of Christmas in chili is “weird” and “not good” and maybe even “really bad,” but Cincinnati, since when have you cared what other people thought?! 

As sure as the Ohio River flows in and around Cincinnati. 

As sure as the Reds love playing (*checks notes*) baseball. 

That’s how sure I am that this frozen meal was delicious, and that nobody from beautiful Cincinnati - which I personally have nicknamed “The City of Food That’s Definitely Edible and NOT Gross” - can be mad at me. 

You can go ahead and close the newsletter here. ❤️ Have a great day! ❤️ Bye! ❤️

NEWSLETTER B: You’re from anywhere else

Okay, phew, it’s safe. 

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration at all to tell you that trying the Frozen Cincinnati’s Famous Skyline Chili Spaghetti has split my life into two separate tracks, much like the movie “Sliding Doors,” which I’ve never seen but I have read most of the Wikipedia plot synopsis of. 

The first version of me - the one that never tried Frozen Cincinnati’s Famous Skyline Chili Spaghetti - knows tranquility and peace. Because she’s not haunted by the lingering taste of this frozen meal, she probably goes on to win an Olympic Gold Medal in Tastebuds (new event coming 2028!). She collabs with Sabrina Carpenter on a new smash hit called “EAT THIS (Regular Chili With Regular Spices).” She wins the lottery using the numbers “11, 22, 33, 44, 55” - after being able to figure out the algorithm using her clear, chili-free mind. 

That’s not the version of me I’m writing this as. 

Instead, I’ll spend the rest of my years haunted by this chili and frightened of spaghetti (which is already objectively the spookiest pasta). Never knowing where cinnamon may be lingering, I’ll never be able to eat in peace again, always keeping one eye on the door like the Sopranos finale. (🚨 Spoiler Alert 🚨: The gang throws Tony a big party and he was so surprised!!!) 

And yet. AND YET. 

I hope Skyline continues to make a frozen version of Cincinnati’s Famous Chili Spaghetti forever and ever. 

Look, I’d love to live in a world where the frozen aisle of Jewel-Osco is filled to the brim with these odd little regional dishes, instead of the same old boring “Lean Cuisine: Chicken Covered in Sauce.” 

(I’d also love it if their frozen meal aisle was filled with the GOSH DARN TRAVIS KELCE’S KITCHEN FROZEN BBQ, PLEASE!!!!) 

Our regional dishes - the fact that every nook and cranny of this country has its own dish that everyone living there can’t BELIEVE you haven't TRIED BEFORE?!? - are one of the best parts about living in the US (well, that and the fact that we have so many Giant Balls of Twine that they had to break it up into sub-categories so that everyone feels included). 

The world is filled with so many white Subway tile-covered coffee shops and restaurants called, like, “HEART AND HEARTH” that serve $25 burgers on brioche buns. (Fries are $7 extra but they come with garlic aioli.) Thank God in the midst of all that, there’s still a place for regional foods, however questionable they might be to us outsiders. 

(Plus who am I to judge - I’m from Minnesota, a state where we eat lutefisk which is cod cured in LYE - aka POISON-, which Norwegian immigrants ate in desperation on ships coming over so they didn’t starve and which we, for some reason, serve over the holidays alongside mashed green peas and boiled potatoes. It’s poison-soaked fish jell-o!!!!) 

Cincinnati, keep dousing your chili spaghetti in cinnamon if that’s what makes you happy.

Just please, please don’t make me eat it again. 

THINGS I LOVED THIS WEEK 

• We got our Authors Copies of Tiny Pep Talks this week! You can watch the unboxing video here  (spoiler: I cry!) and you can pre-order your own copy of the book here. (Pre-ordering helps us so, so much if you’re able to! It helps stores know that, hey, people are excited about this book, which gets them to buy more copies! And it helps us with our ultimate goal - outsell Harry Potter by a bazillion and one copies. ❤️)

• I’ll always sing the praises of Kaia, who is such an incredible writer (and human!), but she’s recently launched a new Substack-within-a-Substack called Halloween Heart, which is a serialized essay collection about Halloween. It’s SO GOOD!!! You gotta subscribe! 

• This video of a man sampling his own limoncello has apparently has gone viral a zillion times over before, but it’s new to me and it’s funny every single time I watch it.