Meatloaf and Chicken, Frozen Together at Last ❤️
Those mad scientists at Marie Callender are at it again.
WELL, WELL, WELL, FANCY SEEING YOU AROUND HERE. I’ve missed you! While so much has happened in the yearish (oops) that I’ve been gone - I got engaged at Costco! I co-wrote a book that’s coming out in November! I ate soft-serve ice cream on a 3-day Royal Caribbean Cruise and I can NOT stop talking about it! - I’m so happy to be back here with you and our frozen meals. (My sodium levels? Not so thrilled.)
Let’s dive in.
Marie Callender’s Duos: Meatloaf and Country Fried Chicken
Marie Callender, visionary, innovator and Acting Deputy Secretary of Health and Human Services (maybe????? Idk!!! Could be true!!!) recently released a new line called “DUOS,” and I can’t stop thinking about it.
While I could easily write 20,000 words on the concept of Duos alone (and I will, once those cowards at Wharton stop dragging their feet finally launch their Master’s in the Frozen Meals Studies program). It basically boils down to this:
There’s 2 foods that Marie Callender thinks go together. Rather than selling them in 2 different frozen meal packages (overdone, boring, tired), she now sells them in….….1 package! (ground-breaking! avant-garde! chic!)
Except the foods that she’s offering don’t actually go together all that well. Instead, the pairings seem like a dinner party hosted by Aidyn, your neighbor’s well-meaning but deeply sheltered 8 year old.
Meatloaf and Country Fried Chicken!!! Meatball Marinara and Fettuccini With Chicken and Broccoli!!! Creamy Pesto Chicken and Four Cheese Ravioli!!!!! Probably all paired with a bottle of Meta Moon Prime, from Logan Paul’s “Hydration Line”! (help.)
Marie Callender’s approach to food pairings is reminiscent of my approach to crushes in 7th grade - frantic, random, throwing anything at the wall to see what sticks. (Me and the kid near me in Show Choir! Me and the kid who sat in front of me at an assembly once! Me and a kid on the bus I’ve never seen before in my life!)
Honestly, Marie, I continue to salute you, now and forever.
TASTE: 3.5/5
Wait, hold on, before we get started - I need you to know that this isn’t just a “Duos: Meatloaf and Country Fried Chicken.” No, my Little Bards of Sodium. It’s actually Meatloaf with Red Wine Gravy and Roasted Tri-Cut Potatoes plus Country Fried Chicken Smothered in Black Pepper Gravy.
Those lovable bastards at Marie Callender know what they’re doing, because these sound absolutely delicious. They sound like something a person in the New York Times’ Sunday Routine column would lie about cooking every week. (We’re all in agreement that like 98% of these columns are made up, right? Sorry, you go on a jog and to brunch and you work and you go to a play and you get dinner at your “favorite neighborhood spot” and you do this…every single Sunday??? When do these people binge Season 7 of Below Deck and cry in the Target make-up aisle?!)
Ultimately though, this combo meal tastes like the textbook definition of “frozen meal.” It’s mediocre! Its overarching flavor is “preservative”! It’s kind of congealed and sticky in a way that’s both disgusting and also oddly familiar!
(I ate most of it.)
Appearance: ⅖
If something really wacky happened - say like, Pedro Pascal’s pre-Oscars restaurant canceled his reservation and he shows up at your door, hungry and teary-eyed, hoping you’ll make him dinner and also be his date, there are some frozen meals that you could easily pass off as your own home cooking. (Like this one maybe! I haven’t tried it, but it looks good, right?)
This Duos dish isn’t one of those.
This one is the epitome of frozen meals. The meat’s a little too mushy, the gravy’s a little too calcified, the portions are a little too symmetrical. It’s no Miss America, but also, there’s beauty in the mundane, right? (I saw that on a TikTok once.)
Overall: ⅗
This Duo Dish is like the frozen food version of a Hallmark Holiday Movie. It’s generic, it’s forgettable, and you have the lingering feeling that something bad may happen if you binge too many of these.
Yet, there’s something oddly comforting about it all. (And also both of these things would be better if Melissa Joan Hart was more involved.)
I’d eat it again.
THINGS I LIKED THIS WEEK
If we’ve spoken in the last 3 weeks, there’s a 100% chance I’ve brought up this specific episode of the Ezra Klein podcast about discovering your own taste. (Unfortunately, my taste mostly revolves around what frozen meal is on sale that week. But still!)
My friend Kristen recently introduced me to Sweet Moon Bakery here in Chicago which, it turns out, I’ve been living down the street from this whole time. They make a mango croissant (?!?!?!?) and it has single handedly rewired my brain chemistry. Time no longer exists. There’s only “life pre-mango croissant” and “life post-mango croissant.”
Do you ever watch Succession and think “I wish this starred river otters instead ” Babe. I’ve got you. Otter Dynasty is the nuttiest show I have ever seen. HBO itself couldn’t make a show that’s more self-serious.