Mambo No. 5 Ladies As Frozen Meals

"A little bit of Lean Cuisine in my life, a little bit of Healthy Choice...etc."

I know 2 things about the 1999 smash hit “Mambo No. 5”:

• I spent hours - HOURS - in my room as a kid writing a Harry Potter-themed parody of it. (It wasn’t nearly as good as this very real Disney version though.)

• Stephen King also loves it.

Let’s dive in (tm).

The Ladies of Mambo No. 5 As Frozen Meals

Angela is Marie Callender’s Cheesy Chicken and Rice Bowl

Look, Angela’s a woman who knows what she likes - and what she likes is cheesy chicken and smooching Lou Bega. In that order. 

Pamela is Stouffer’s Family-Sized Meat Lovers Lasagna

Pamela’s mother once told her that “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” That’s why, whenever she meets up with Lou Bega, Pamela serves him a big plate of Stouffer’s Family-Sized Meat Lovers Lasagna. 

She says it’s an old family recipe. Lou knows it’s not, but he lets her think he believes the lie.

Monica is Healthy Choice Grilled Chicken Pesto With Veggies

There’s a reason that Lou only wants a “little bit of Monica” in his life - and that’s because Monica’s insufferable. 

Every day at the office lunch table, Monica makes a big production of announcing her Healthy Choice only has 290 calories. Then she says something like, “But I love that the rest of you just eat whatever you want! Treat yourself! Wish I could do that too, but I am just so health-conscious!” 

Monica doesn’t have any work friends. She thinks she does. But she doesn’t.

Erica is Lean Cuisine Chicken Parmesan

Erica’s a real Lean Cuisine Chicken Parm of a woman - she’s comforting, a little too sweet and full of sodium. 

Erica’s been calling Lou “Mister Fedora Guy” this whole time. He thinks it’s a cute pet name but, really, she doesn’t know his actual name. At this point, it feels too awkward to ask. 

Lou thinks he might ask her to marry him.

Rita is Amy’s Mushroom Risotto

Rita’s the Amy’s Mushroom Risotto of Lou’s (sexy) roster - perfectly nice, but a little forgettable.

Her and Lou have only ever actually hung out once, where he inexplicably asked her to come with to his niece’s 3rd birthday party. Rita would never say this out loud, but she thought Lou’s niece was a dud. (Maybe a little less “Paw Patrol” and a little more “Get a Goddamn Personality,” right?)

They never hung out again.

Tina is Evol Butternut Squash and Sage Ravioli

Tina’s the Evol Butternut Squash and Sage Ravioli. 

She used to be fun, but she’s gotten kind of lame since 2013, when she fell deep into a Facebook pyramid scheme. 

Now instead of girls nights and dance clubs, she’s just posting about being a #GirlBoss and The Power of #Herbalife. 

We all miss the old Tina. And we’ve also all unfriended her.

Sandra is Stouffer’s Fettucini Alfredo

Honestly, Sandra doesn’t know how she even got on this list. Like the Stouffer’s Fettucini Alfredo, she minds her own business. Sandra’s also 73 years old, with 2 grandkids and a 3rd on the way. 

She met Lou at a work event a few years ago. He sometimes texts her “nice moon out tonight” at 2 am. 

Sandra doesn’t respond. She’s in bed by 9.

Mary is Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs

Mary was named Swedish Meatball Queen in 2007, during her town’s Annual Swede Fest, and honestly she won’t shut up about it. 

Mary wore her Swedish Meatball Queen crown on her last date with Lou. She said it was a “joke” but if it was a joke, why did she leave it on the whole night?

Jessica is Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower Bowl

Jessica only ever buys the Trader Joe’s Riced Cauliflower Bowl, even though it’s by far the worst Trader Joe’s Frozen Meal. 

She knows that Lou sucks, but still - when they hang out, she feels like she could be a Trader Joe’s Orange Chicken kind of woman after all

She’s working through that with her therapist.

Things I’ve liked this week!

• I know everyone else watched Ted Lasso, like, a year and a half ago but, as someone whose only understanding of sports comes from 4 years in the pep band section (ALTO SAX, BABBBBY), I never got around to watching it. But now I’ve seen it, I loved it, and I’m watching it…all over again, actually. Ted Lasso, 10/10!

• I love my massive jug of water and you might too. (I’ve seen them at super discount at TJ Max! “It pays to be a Maxinista” and don’t you forget it.)

• I’ve played this cover of “Jackson” by Orville Peck and Trixie Mattel that I can tell even my cats are annoyed. (It’s really, really good.)