DiGiorno Made Croissant Breakfast Pizza and It’s Fine

None of this newsletter is about the election, I promise.

Click above for an audio version of this review!

Look, as far as I’m concerned, DiGiorno is basically the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls of the frozen pizza world. 

Wait, no. They’re not the Bulls. They’re more like a sports team that does pretty good, generally speaking, but also loses a regular amount. 

So let me start that again. 

Look, as far as I’m concerned, DiGiorno is basically a mostly unremarkable team that sometimes wins a game and has a regular amount of fans and also sells like $6.99 frozen pizzas. 

They’re doing a croissant breakfast pizza! They’re making a box that sells both pizza and garlic breadsticks! They created something called a “Spicy Wolvie Pie” in collaboration with the film Deadpool & Wolverine! Not sure how good any of it is, but good for them regardless! 

Side note - did you know that Hugh Jackman consumed 2000 calories per day of sea bass when he played Wolverine?? Which is the equivalent of…I think 2000 sea bass every day????? That means that lil’ Australian was just in that tight leather Wolverine suit sweating fish, like an old timey fish mongerer, day in and day out. Just let the poor man sing “Shipoopi” on Broadway, leave him out of this superhero stuff!!! 

Anyway. Let’s dive in. 

Taste - 3.5/5 

C’mon. They put gravy and sausage on top of a croissant! Of course it’s pretty good! I’d eat anything if you put Gravy on top of it!!! 

Things I Would Probably Eat If  You Put Gravy On Top Of It: An Inexhaustive List 

• A breakfast DiGiorno pizza 

• Those gross looking freeze-dried Skittles that are always at the check-out at Walgreens these days

• A 2014 Toyota Prius 

• My book, Tiny Pep Talks, which comes out on November 19 and is currently available for pre-order

• More gravy 

Plus there’s something about overly-processed, weirdly-sweet breakfast foods that taste deeply nostalgic, like 1997 Nickelodeon commercials. 

Specifically, it tastes like the kind that were all about how GROWN-UPS just don’t GET IT, and then a little flirty anthropomorphic cartoon would skateboard away after shouting a nonsensical catchphrase.

(The spokesperson for this Croissant Pizza would be a Honey Badger named PLUTZ, who bites math teachers and is also dating Baby Spice for some reason.) 

(His catchphrase? “Howabout you stuff this down!!!!” as he throws a croissant pizza over his skateboard.) 

(He’s voiced by Chris Kattan.) 

Anyway, yeah, this good. 

Appearance: ⅘ (besides the still-frozen part in the middle, but who's to say whose fault that is)

The bar is so low for frozen pizzas, it might as well be a middling Bosun on Season 11 of Below Deck. (That’s a joke for me and only me, by the way!) 

If this thing appeared in front of me at a restaurant, I’d fling it across the room like a frisbee and demand that the restaurant keys be handed over to me for what I’ve been put through, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-style. 

But because this was made in my own questionably-clean microwave, I’m like “it’s stunning, a Roman emperor would eat this for special occasions.”

Overall: 3.5/5

While I’ll probably still stick with my go-to every day breakfast (fistfuls of dry cereal eaten over the sink after I turned off 14 alarms and now woke up late), I’m still glad this exists. 

THINGS I LOVED THIS WEEK 

• I know I promised no election talk in here - and I’m sticking to that! - but if this whole thing is making you feel the way that it’s making a lot of us feel, my co-author Josh and I wrote you some very special Tiny Pep Talks just for today.

• This Thanksgiving popcorn from Trader Joe’s is so good that we bought a bag, opened it in the parking lot, then immediately went back inside and bought 2 more. 

• The English Teacher - streaming on Hulu - is one of my favorite new shows in recent memory. Maybe you’ll like it too! 

• If you’re a Goodreads user and have a second to mark our upcoming book Tiny Pep Talks as “Want to Read,” we’d be 1000000% grateful! It’s one of those weird little things that really helps the good ol’ algorithm. 

• You’re doing great. I love you.